I have looked into several online grief support sites and have not gotten any feedback or support yet. I even contacted local places to me where I could meet in person. The next one is November 13, 2006. I certain hope they don't cancel it. I feel like I'm losing my mind with the feelings I'm having and no one to share them with. My "friends" and family think I should get over Tom. Well I just can't. He's in every thing I do. I remember everything about him, even the things that made me angry, like him not telling me how sick he was. How he said he just "had to see me and let me know how much he loved me". I just keep feeling with an intensity that there was a more profound reason Tom and I met. A meaning other than a guy meeting a woman. I am not the type of person who would drive out of state to meet a guy in the first place. When I first met him, I thought, I'll just get this done and over with. Well it didn't quite work that way. He said "we will take turns going from Pennsylvania to Ohio on the weekends. The weekend after I met him was my daughter's High School graduation and I was trying to disuade him from coming up but it didn't work. I was very anxious about him meeting my mother because she doesn't treat me well and I certainly didn't want to have to explain to someone, "my mother hates me and I don't know why". Also, my ex-husband was there at my daughter's graduation. Well, Tom came over the Friday night before so he wouldn't miss it, even though I never actually invited him. I'll never forget how safe and comfortable I felt with him there at my daughter's graduation. I felt right then and there that this was the person I belong with. Even though I was not in the frame of mind to hook up with someone, I had gotten out of a bad relationship a year previously and was definitely not looking for romance. I just felt so at ease and comfortable with Tom. Later I told him, he should just forget about me because I had too much crap in my life to have someone else be inflicted with it. He said to me in a very firm voice "we'll deal with it!" I knew he meant it. I knew he wanted to be with me no matter what. Anyway, shortly after Tom passed, there was a family reunion and I didn't go because I was simply not up to it. My mother asked me why I didn't go and I told her Tom died and she said to me "was it around the time of the family reunion?" well it was exactly a week later. Even though that didn't matter, it was my mother's callousness that really really hurt me. She has never been there for me, I shouldn't have expected any type of compassion anyway. My mother raised, fed and clothed me, yet showed no emotion other than hatred or how I was a great inconvenience to her life. My one friend (who's always drunk) says to me at least you have a mother. Well my mother will go out of her way to invite relatives to lunches and dinners or parties and never tell me and then ask why I wasn't there and I'll say no one told me about it. She just laughs and says well you know how I forget. Well, it's hurt me over and over and I've actually had therapist tell me I should not have anything to do with her. Smart thinking, it's like not sticking your hand on a hot stove cause you know you'll get hurt. I guess it's different with your mother, you keep expecting her to show you some kind of love or compasssion. I guess I need more than grief support, I need life support too!

I took a bike ride after work today, went down by the Lake. I go there alot. I put my Fiance's picture in a Heinekens bottle and threw it in the Lake. He wanted me to put his ashes in a Heineken bottle and throw him in the Lake but (1)his ex-wife has his ashes and (2) I really don't think I could put all of him in a Heineken bottle. I think when I put his picture in there, it made him happy, I could feel it. Anyway, it was a beautiful October day here in Northeast Ohio. I played my drums when I came back from my bike ride. In a few minutes I'm going to help my daughter with her speech. She is speaking on how there should be less religious influence in the U.S. Government. I just finished my Government class myself and got a C. I was so happy since I failed every single quiz. Government is not my strong subject, I did poorly in High School and now that I'm much much older, it didn't sink in my brain any easier this time around. Didn't receive a final grade in Marketing yet but it should be at least a B. I don't think I'll be lacking in things to do this week without my courses. I'll go work-out or play my drums or write in here. I should get my books for Management Strategies and Environmental Science in a couple of days so I can read them a little bit too before I actually start my classes.

I suppose I'll have to do more working out this week. Since I have a free week between courses. I'll be starting Environmental Science and Business Management Strategies next Sunday. If I had money, I could buy groceries and plan meals for the entire week. That's just a silly fantasy of mine to be able to do that. I mean to buy groceries for an entire week and plan meals. I have a friend who can just whip stuff up from scratch and make good meals. My late Fiancee' was an excellent cook, he could go into the kitchen and just make things that tasted great. I tried that after watching him one weekend, thought I could just throw spices on something and have it magically taste good after cooking it. I found it must be an unappreciated gift to those who can do that. Well, I made it known to my friend and late Fiancee' that I did very much appreciate their talents.

Well I guess I need to keep trying. I was trying to get the actual picture up here but it did not work.