I suppose it's everything in my head that comes out. It's the emotional and mental "meat grinder" I've been through that comes out of me when I drum. The lessons I took were pretty much useless, although the instructor was a nice person. The lessons weren't on real drums so I couldn't really express myself, just on hard rubber/plastic that made more of a thud sound and the counting, I'll never be an accountant. That's what my drum teacher does in real life is Accounting. I probably suck at drumming as far as being in a band but I really don't care, it just feels good. I've wanted a drum set for a long time but things didn't work out that way for me, the person I was living with at the time said, "I was just too fucking stupid, that was the stupidest thing he ever heard of was me wanting to play the drums". I used to have a punching bag that I hit with gloves. I don't have the place or space to have a punching bag. The person I was with that made me angry enough to want to punch something or someone, I'm no longer with, he treated me like shit. I escaped out of "Pleasantville" a house we were buying together on a dead end street on an acre of land with nothing but the woods as our backyard and it was on a hill and the Metropark Systems owned the land at the end of our property so it could not be developed. Yes, he treated me so bad I actually prayed to God that he give me an answer as to what I should do. My kids would protect me in that I believe what they meant when they said "he better not lay a hand on you Mom or I will kill him with my bare hands". Well, I moved away from that scenic view and bought a Manufactured home, AKA Trailer with the money that the psycho gave me for my share of the house. I bought my drums in March of 2006, not quite a year after I moved in here. Even though I don't have alot of space, it's mine, all mine and nobody is going to tell me, I can't have that. I met Tom in May of this year, he could care less if I played the drums, he told me he used to play bass in a band. Sometimes I play like I want to be in a band, sometimes I play to get my frustrations out, sometimes I play to be creative and make new sounds or music. I just like doing it when the mood hits me.

Tom, I wasn't going to write to you here. I just wanted to. I went to a bereavement group Monday. I'm so glad I did. I found out stuff about what I'm feeling. I miss you so terribly much. I know I have my "Tom" journal that I write in freehand, but I want to say, I'm sorry for all the anger I had toward you for dying on me and for loving me SO much. I said some bad things to you, not sure if you heard them. I wrote some bad things too, not sure if you read that. I love you and miss you. At the bereavement group they talked about feeling guilty. I thought "I never felt guilty at all" because I felt that you were the one that left me. Over the past couple of days, I came to realize how wrong of me it was to feel angry at you all this time. I was angry when the doctor mentioned your heart transplant and that's how I found out for the first time. I know you thought you were going to get better. Some people I know expect me to get over you, people like my family. People like my drunk friend, I won't mention her name. You know who she is. The bereavement group made me feel "normal". Talked about closure and how people tell you, that's what you need, they said do people think that you're supposed to close the door on your feelings for the person you lost? I started thinking good things about you and me too. I remember at the hospital, just about an hour before you left me, you said "this sucks so much, when I'm finally happy". I thought about the day we went to the park and sat on the great big rock in the middle of the creek, visited your mom, went to a bar had a few beers and I beat you at pool (I know you let me one of the times), then we went to your place and you made a fabulous dinner for Tommy, you and me. I told you that was the best day of my life and I certainly meant it. Tom, I miss you so much sometimes I just can't stand it. I've never had anyone love me as much as you did. I know I've been self-destructive since you've been gone. I'm trying not to medicate myself or drink too much. It's only been a few days since I took some drugs to numb myself but it's a start. I haven't had any alcohol in a few days either. Time does not heal. I don't know if I'll ever forget about you, my dreams tell me not to. I feel so strongly that there was a reason you and I got together. Right now I have to work on myself, I need to get myself together. I know your love for me was a gift and I need to treasure that gift, not abuse it. Tom, I love you.

Does anyone know basic Algebra out there? I will be taking Algebra soon. I will need as much help as humanly possible. I don't know what to do. I've tried to do it in my business Math course but couldn't grasp the concept. My daughter had to help me and I explained this to the instructor. Help anyone.

Today I had intentions of putting a different picture up on my Instant Messenger. I had, just last week put the picture of Tom and me up there, it was just a picture of myself before but I hardly ever IM and was contacted by a male friend of mine recently and he gave me the impression that he wanted to get together with me on a closer level than I was comfortable with. I told him a while ago that I had lost Tom recently and strictly wanted to remain friends so that's when I decided to put the picture of Tom and me up there. Anyway, in my stupid decision to put a picture of just myself up there, deleted every picture in my camera and on the card. Well, I guess that showed me not to mess with things and to think things through before forging ahead. Fortunately, I have pictures of Tom and me printed but not the other pictures. I sent the pictures of the Lake to my cousin in Florida. I also dyed my hair red a couple of weeks ago. I'm not sure what's going on in my head. I do know there is sometimes too much thoughts in my head and I do things to get them out. Maybe someone was trying to tell me something. That's probably the case, I just need to get into a non-thinking zone.

I couldn't believe it. My mother asked me to Dinner a few weeks ago and I accepted. I took my two daughters Emily 19 and Marcel 16 with me. My brother Kevin, my sister Kim and her husband John and my oldest sister Becky were all there too! I couldn't believe it. The evening was really nice and it actually felt comfortable to be around my family. No one said anything stupid or hurtful. My father was actually taking pictures of me and my kids and everyone else. My father never takes pictures. My daughter Marcel was asking my father if she could paint the area above where their fireplace used to be. It's all plain off white, used to be a brick real working fireplace but they had to either replace it or fill it in. They chose to fill it in and now have a TV set sitting in the area where the fires used to burn and the wall above it is just plain off white. Looks very plain kind of naked. Well, I was happy about this evening. Maybe that's a sign of better things to come in my life. I don't look for anything big, but a nice family get together was more than I had ever hoped for and that's a very positive thing.