Gee, I wish I didn't have to work for a living, but then who does. Not really, I don't mind working at all. What I do mind is having to grovel for the opportunity to keep a roof over my head and food on the table. Still working through a temp agency, it's been nine months, almost ten. Just got word from the Human Resource person that they want to start the hiring process on me. Well, they did the drug screen, don't know the results yet but that should be fine, not worried about that. What I am worried about is, do I really want to work for this company? Truthfully, absolutely not. Just prior to talking to the Human Resource person, I made up my mind to talk to the plant manager and tell him I would work there until I found another job but don't wish to work for that company. The reason for that decision was that the final straw for me, was that the first thing my supervisor said to me and a co-worker that same morning was "have you ever been to a sex toy party?". That was one of many inappropriate things he has said and done. He comes up and touches me by grabbing my shoulders or the other day, he grabbed my arm and kissed my hand. I would very much like to punch him in the face and my co-workers know this and tell me that they wouldn't see a thing if I did. Well, I'm not going to do this. I am still a temp worker and since this behavior of his has been going on for quite some time and nothing has been done, am pretty sure that if I do say something, I will be terminated. You might say, I can take legal action, well the only thing that would do for me is put me out of a job. That's just the way it is. I say this because the owner treats his managers like garbage and everyone pretty much cowers in fear of his wrath. The owner will be verbally abusive to subordinates in front of others and I know nobody would back me up if I did say something. So here I am on Sunday worrying about being at work on Monday, I wish so bad to be an irresponsible &*%$#@*&+ and just get drunk and high all the time and let someone take care of me, like my ex-husband who pays no child support because he won't get a job. I don't really wish that either just venting.

Fellow bloggers probably will think I do nothing but whine. My 17 year old daughter has been going through some emotional stuff and has asked me to contact counceling services. I have called about six or seven different places. Some have gotten back to me and tell me straight out the cost of $80. an hour, I have no insurance or medicaid. I don't qualify because my $10. an hour job brings in too much money for my daughter and I to qualify for any assistance. Even though my daughger does not receive child support from her father or as they refer to him "the sperm donor". One counseling service actually got back to me after I called them and said nobody returned my call. Well, they told me, "if she had medicaid, she could get an appointment right away". Well God Bless America, even though I get taxes taken out of my whopping check, don't qualify for assistance.

My horoscope: Life may seem like it is back on track now, but be careful about glossing over a painful emotional issue. If you feel as if you have been unfairly judged or rejected, it may not be such a good idea to pretend that everything is fine. This isn't the time to be cavalier. Listen to your heart and take whatever comes to you as constructive guidance so you can find the happiness you seek.

I'm not exactly sure what this means but if any fellow bloggers read this, let me know what you think.

Anyway, lately I've been feeling like I've chronically made the wrong decisions in my life. Like the many steps and different paths I've taken to change and improve my life for my kids and I during the past 10 years since my divorce have lead me nowhere but pressed against a hard cold brick wall.

I feel like I can't help my younger daughter and was an absolute failure to my older daughter. My older one chooses to party her life away, even though she's a bright young woman. My younger one is seeking help and I get so frustrated with the system. I told her "maybe you should walk in one of these places weilding a knife and telling them, you're going to kill someone". I know that is sick but nobody will listen or cares. Unless of course you have money or insurance, then and only then are you considered a person, human, member of society. God Bless America.

I probably shouldn't put stock in what my horoscope says but every once in a while what it says is right on the nose. Here is what my horoscope said for today:
You may feel a bit conflicted today as your emotions pull you away from the fun. Don't worry if you miss a social gathering now, for you have important work to do as you process your emotions. Even if you go on a date or to a party, remember that there is no need to hide your feelings behind a performance.

Well, on my way to work this morning I started thinking about Tom and how life would not be so hard if he were around. Although he was on disability and I knew we wouldn't be wealthy, just the thought of having him here with me made me feel good and it made me sad at the same time. I got into work and tried to brush off the thoughts of our life together. It's been very stressful at my job for various reasons, one not being hired in. Anyway, when I am under much stress, I have a tendency to think of Tom and of how, when I came home from work tired and beat, he would have had dinner made; and how he just made me feel so comfortable with myself. For those of you who think you don't need another person to define yourself, I disagree. People weren't meant to be alone, how would the human race continue. Sorry for the little soapbox speech. I logged on to my computer and started packing parts and couldn't help but cry. The person who works across from me (thank goodness, I can open up to her) asked me what was wrong. I told her, I was thinking of Tom and was missing him, I was trembling and felt a little like I couldn't function, then I got a grip. Was working for a while and got another wave of strong emotion with the shaking again and my co-worker asked me if I could take time off. That was kind of her but I told her I would be alright, which I made it through the day but after I post this, I am going to just reflect on how wonderful Tom was to me and to remember his love for me and use it as mental, emotional and warm cozy blanket on my soul.

I feel bad when I whine and complain about stuff cause I know,unfortunately, there will always be someone in worse shape than me. Sometimes, actually alot of times, I wish I could change the world. My fantasy world of course, but when I bought a lottery ticket this evening, I spend a dollar once in a great while; anyway, when I bought the ticket was thinking what would I do with the winnings. The mega lottery is up to $54 million and figured if I won, would get half or less which, I could live on half of that too. I have for a long time wanted to operate my own business so I would buy my business after paying my personal debts and then invest enough to survive off of if something should happen to my business. I know I would give my best friends at least $5 million because they have helped me when I was at my lowest and didn't expect anything in return. I don't think I need to be materially weathly, once I have my own business going I want to treat and pay my employees good. I know, I know, fantasy world but I do want to treat them right and let them be creative in their own sense to help the business thrive. I want to have a pot of hot beverage ready for them when they make it to work after shoveling through four feet high piles of snow. I want to be able to provide for my employees health insurance for them and their families. I want them to want to come to work for me and not worry about the wealthy, oppressive guy who squeases the life out of them just so they can get by. Once again, I know, fantasy world but I would do that in reality for my employees just so I don't have to keep working for that person myself.